...and what you could be doing instead.
“Right this way, please,” says the black tie-clad Maitre'd as he leads you across an ornately designed, dimly lit dining room. You pull out the chair, and carefully take your seat, being sure not to wrinkle the perfect outfit you painstakingly picked to impress tonight. Your gaze moves up from the unnaturally white tablecloth, past the shimmering cutlery, across the candlelit table to lock eyes with...A COMPLETE STRANGER YOU MET ON THE INTERNET SIX HOURS AGO?
Look, I understand that not all first dates are with people we meet on Bumble, but this is how most of us are making connections these days, and through far too much trial and error (mostly error), I came to the conclusion that going to dinner with a rando, not only stinks, but is actually a form of self-sabotage.
DISCLAIMER: The author is a straight white man, who’s speaking only for his own straight white dating experience.
1. It’s too intimate!
I think we all have the romantic fantasy of a first date right out of the movies, complete with a statement dress, limo service, and caviar served on a helipad, but the characters in our favorite Rom-Com had the benefit of a “meet cute” first. The protagonists of Love at First Bite developed a rapport when they bumped into each other picking out the same apron for their first day of culinary school. (Author’s note: I’m now writing a first draft of Love at First Bite. Please don’t steal this idea; I need it so bad, guys.) But I can’t think of any less “cute meet” than swiping right on a “buy me tacos and tell me I’m pretty” prompt, or picture of a dude washing his F350 without a shirt.
Do yourself and your date a favor by gifting yourselves the chance to simulate the vibe of a random, free-range, flirty encounter with an attractive stranger by opting for something more public, more relaxed, and with far fewer stakes. I know you’ll hear that going for coffee or a drink is “boring” or “uncreative”, but keep in mind that neither of you knows each other yet, and a conversation at a coffee shop, with an easy early exit, if necessary, is well worth the hour of your time.
2. Too much monetary pressure
It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one picking up the tab, or (unnecessarily) feeling in debt to the person who did, these are not the ideal circumstances under which a connection should be formed. In my experience, there is a severely antiquated system at play here where one party feels they need to demonstrate their classically “masculine” value by taking charge, making the plans, and paying for an impressive meal. In return, the other must prove their worth by spending two hours getting dressed and applying a week’s salary worth of unreasonably expensive makeup, and then consider that that time and energy is directly proportionate to whatever the cost of the date may be.
But unless your name is Don Draper and you’re wining and dining the heiress to the Woolworth’s Corporation, this just isn’t the move. Two people who owe each other NOTHING, aside from basic human decency, shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on a meeting that’s only intention should be to decide IF they’d like to see each other again. It shouldn’t cost $100+ and two and a half hours just to realize five minutes in that you’re out in public with a monster, who doesn’t wash their legs in the shower (In the interest of full disclosure, I’m the monster in this example).
Effort should not have a monetary value. You can still establish an ability to lead and plan by picking a time and a place to participate in a mutually shared interest, like playing backgammon in a park, or fishing off a pier. As a general rule for the person planning the date in a ghosting-heavy climate, pick something you wouldn’t mind doing by yourself if your date doesn’t show.
3. It’s not a job interview
I don’t know about you, but nothing stirs up the sweaty discomfort of a job interview like sitting across a table from someone I’ve only ever met through text and attempting to sell myself to them. “As referenced in my CV, you’ll see I’m proficient in putting the seat down after I pee and maintaining healthy boundaries with my mother. And if offered the position of Boyfriend, I’ll approach the responsibility with the same go-getter attitude that landed me the title of Commissioner of my fantasy football league. And once she unblocks me on all social platforms, and returns the PS5 I left at her apartment, my primary reference can confirm my qualifications.”
A call-and-response conversation does not make for an electric connection. Chemistry is fostered in the most natural of settings, and genuinely getting to know someone can be tricky when “the weather” and “traffic” are the only things at the forefront of your mind. Don’t overthink it: farmers markets rule. They’re casual, outdoors, and stimulating enough to let topics arise organically and keep the conversation free-flowing. And if you still really feel like financially flexing, you can send your date home with an artisanal, CBD-infused elderberry jam.
At the end of the day, although everyone’s priorities and preferences may vary, the end goal of dating is to find a partner. That doesn’t mean you have to dread the process. That’s why they call it “fishing” and not “catching”. But maybe if we all remove the tension, expectations, preconceived notions, and impossible standards of a first date, the journey of online dating won’t seem like such an eternally hopeless hellscape.
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